Call me crazy, but this year, on a whim, I decided to have my birthday on Easter Sunday. Why do I feel compelled to write about this? Because it has never happened before! So I googled it and learned that the last time Easter Sunday fell on April 24th was in 1859 – roughly 120 years before I was born. And on my 117th birthday it will happen again – in 2095. Yes, I know the math doesn’t add up but you should not let such small details get in the way of the big picture. Having an Easter Sunday birthday is cool and reason to celebrate, I thought. But then it hit me: I’ve never been this old before and I’m entering uncharted territories. And that could create a serious problem.
Physically, I remain in superb condition for a woman of my age who can no longer fit into any of her clothes. Yes, I have been gaining weight, despite a rigorous diet regimen of eating and drinking absolutely nothing after midnight. I’ve thought of trying the new WONDER WEIGHT LOSS PLAN that is currently being tested on rats – only problem is, it must be approved by the FDA, and from what I read, the drug will not be available until my next Easter Sunday birthday in 2095. Until then, I’ll get hold of a few thin rats and eat them. They can’t be any worse than the food I ate in Tibet , Pakistan and Afghanistan
But getting back to aging: Aside from the weight thing, I have a sleeping disorder and grow hair on my face and deep inside my nose. What really has me worried though, that every once in a while, I make involuntary strange noises, like deep-throated, roof-of-the-mouth-itching noises only old people make. And according to my doctor I’m low on potassium, Vitamin D, and my bones are becoming brittle. Not only that, I’ve definitely detected a decline in some of my mental facilities. But not to worry, the Germans are testing the world’s first “anti-stupid” pill on insects, which might hit the pharmacies in 2094, a year earlier than the Wonder Weight Loss plan for rats.
But aside from all these minor problems, I am a superb physically specimen easily mistaken as Shelley Winters. I keep reminding myself, that lots of people were my age once: Methuselah, the Queen Mom, and Virginia Woolf. On my worst days, I feel about as old as Virginia
“When I was younger, I could remember anything, whether it happened or not.”
Mark Twain.
Thanks Harry, Dick (and Jane), Pat and Colleen for the pre-birthday cocktail celebration and dinner at the Vista Grill. I had the best Ahi Tuna Sashimi since I left Japan
